My good friend Suzie, the Single Dating Diva, recently posted an article that defined cheating. Her post tackled the different types of cheating, most notably emotional and physical affairs but a newcomer to the list caught me by surprise; mental…shwha? Yes, mental. Now let me lay it out for you, I adore Suzie and am not coming at her with guns blazing so don’t make this a bitch off…because it’s not! After reading about mental cheating, I began to feel sorry for some imaginary husband accused of cheating for merely fantasizing about the office hottie. If that’s the case then all of us must stand united as adulterers; for I doubt none of us have ever thought of another person while in a committed relationship. As I read through the comments and engaged with others on Facebook, it became clear that her thoughts on mental cheating were not unique to her or to women in general. Both sides of the gender aisle chimed in on the peril of free thought; the slippery slope of attraction. I sat dumbfounded, since when did daydreams become reality? Unicorns, leprechauns, and nymphs really do exist..
Picture this… an anti-Mental Cheating rally. Banners waving with pre-cheating slogans: “Too Much Thinking is a Bad Thing”, “Thoughts Speak Louder than Actions” and “Fantasies Breed Infidelity”. The fundamental problem with equating mental cheating to, well, actually cheating is that it assumes people are either unwilling or incapable of controlling their primal urges, ergo thoughts will inevitably become reality anyways so may as well save everyone some time and bust their balls as if they had.Such assumptions lead to swift consequences and unreasonable expectations. A common thread emerged by those who shared their opinions on mental cheating; a lack of faith in their partners. As though, spontaneous thoughts were serpents slithering through our Garden of Eden laying seeds of evil intentions and our spouse is powerless to prevent them from hatching to action. This is a mindset of paranoia and is no longer a question of whether their partner is cheating but about personal insecurities and trust {or lack thereof}.
How much fantasizing is “too much”? If I daydream about the firefighter down the street 1-2x’s it’s no big deal but the third time, I’m officially cheating? And who’s scanning my brain for these illicit thoughts? By who’s standard are my thoughts illicit: my partner’s, societies, the person I’m fantasizing about? If thoughts are to be equal to actions, then am I now mental stalking my firefighter neighbor because I think of him a little too often? Can I sue for divorce on the grounds of cheating, if my husband dreamed about another woman more than a few nights in a row? Is it only considered cheating if the object of my desire is a person I know {attainable} versus a movie star {unattainable}? Thoughts are fleeting apparitions and are born spontaneously Physical and emotional attractions are also involuntary. What we, as human beings living in a civilized society can control is our responses to these impulses.
I fear that those who buy into the concept of mental cheating are confusing a cheating mentality with the act of cheating. Having a cheating mentality makes you a dickhead but, until your advances are reciprocated-you are NOT a cheater and have NOT cheated. Cheating, affairs, whatever you call them, require 2 things: action and reaction. Cheating is a two person sport. A man or woman who controls their carnal desires by not allowing their libido to fly auto-pilot deserves commendation not persecution. Whatever the fire that lit the fuse of fantasy; whether it be sexual dissatisfaction, complacency or animal magnetism your partner’s self-control to not act upon it shows a level of commitment that would not otherwise be tested except when faced with its consuming power. It is true that thoughts can dominate and devour reason but that doesn’t mean that your partner is guilty of acts that were never physically perpetrated. If this were the case, why not just cheat. If you’re going to be accused and punished for simply thinking about it, then you might as well get your rocks off and have something to remember!
Suzie and her reader’s point of view are not far from my own. She expressed clearly that the power of thought is extremely persuasive when pervasive and I completely agree. Thoughts do have the ability to influence choices but the influence of thought only thrives where a weakness already exists. The cycle of reality does not read thoughts->results…there are several steps in between with the most notable being action. I don’t know about you but my thoughts are occasionally irrational and my desires equally ridiculous.The idea of being held responsible for my thoughts as though I had acted upon them, frankly scares the shit out of me. Fantasies, desires, and daydreams are not reality and should not be confused. Lust happens, dreams happen but is the new relationship expectation that they not? I ask you…would your thoughts betray your loyalty? Should thoughts be Exhibit A of guilt? Your partner deserves your faith; a lack of trust may tempt action more than their fantasies ever would.
If thought is sin, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
AMEN
